Final Famtasy: Who has it rougher?
by Katriel
Summary: Squall: Cloud, you idiot! You spelt Fantasy wrong! Cloud: Typo, okay? I'm a mercenary not some tekchallony geek! Zidane: Does he mean technology? (Ch 7 up! Review!)
1. Too Good for a Title

Note: I don't own any of the Final Fantasy characters…'cept Sephiroth…he's mine! Get away all you guy-crazy teenagers! 

Narrator: So here we are, the cast of FF 7,8, and 9 trying to find out who has it tougher. 

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Cloud: I win. End of story, Sephiroth just doesn't die.

Squall: Sephiroth doesn't die!? What about Seifer? How many times do you have to beat up that guy, like a trillion!?

Zidane: Well what about Kuja? He…uh…

Barrett: He's a wuss and never actually challenges you until the end of the game, he hides behind that retarded lookin' queen! Now Sephiroth, he's a !@#$ evil villian! All alone and he still destroys everything single handedly!

Zidane: Well…Kuja he…wait, that was Bahamut…

Squall: How about Ultimecia!? Taken over perfectly good people and…

Cloud: Exactly! Villains these days can't do anything for themselves, always have to make it look like someone else so they don't get beaten up! But FF7? Classic…just plain classic.

Zidane: And then there was Garland…he was kinda…but then I guess he went soft on ya…still…

Irvine: Hey…chill Cloudy…but how can some guy with a six foot sword be tough? Ya riddle 'em with bullets and their down…you guys just didn't have the right weapons…

Barrett: Right weapons!? Right weapons!? Ya think this things made'a scrap metal!? I had to lose me !@#$ hand to get this thing!

Irvine: You call that a gun? That piece of junk couldn't shoot two feet…now if you got a good AK-47 grafted, Sephy'd be holier than Swiss cheese!

Zidane: Kuja had magic…magic can be scary.

Cid: Guns don't mean !@#$! It's the power behind the weapon! I mean Cloud's not the beefiest guy in world, but it takes some muscle to haul that sword!

Cloud: Yeah! I mean, who else could do a pull up with one hand while carrying Tifa?

Squall: Tifa's a feather compared to Rinoa! I had to drag her down that train track for miles!

Rinoa: What are you getting' at Squall!?

Tifa: I may not weight 300 pounds but I got enough arm muscle to punch you to the moon Cloud Strife!

Cloud: I didn't mean that!

Squall: That's not what I…!

*Quistis snaps her whip and everyone silences*

Quistis: Stop this pointless rack right now! For everyone's time and age, we all did a great job, can we leave it at that!? And let Zidane talk!

*silence*

Irvine *whispers to Vivi*: Isn't she the hot?

Selphie: I heard that!

Zidane: Yow...he's right though Viv…catchem while they're free…

Vivi: …

*Quistis snaps whip at Zidane*

Zidane: Ouch! Ooo…a spicy one!

Garnet: Zidane!!!

Quistis: Okay, I take that back, do not let Zidane talk.

Garnet: My pleasure! *grabs some rope and duck tape*

Irvine: Hey…go easy on the guy; he's just stating the truth…

Selphie: Got any of the rope and tape left over?

Garnet: Here you are…

*Cloud chuckles under his breath*

Tifa: Don't even go there Cloud.

*Zidane and Irvine are tied up by Garnet and Selphie while everyone watches helplessly*

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Will Zidane and Irvine ever get untied? Whose game really has the worst bad guys? Will Vivi ever get a girlfriend? What are the villains input on this? Tell me what you think and I'll put up another chapter.


	2. Zell, poop, and a lot of white hair

Note: I still do not own any of the FF7 characters

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Narrator: And so we continue with our favorite Final Fantasy characters, some tied up, some scared, and some looking at Quistis with a new light (take that as you wish).

Quistis: So…now where were we? Ah…yes…FF8 being the hardest…

Steiner: Psh! Enough of this nonsense! The Queen and I with not take anymore of your petty arguments!

Zell: Eh, can it, Poopy!

Steiner: Poopy!?

Zell: Yeah…you're name means Poop in German right? That's what I heard anyway…

Steiner: *!?* I object to that comment! I have never even heard of German! Is that the language of the self-centered and annoying or something!?

Zell: WOAH! You wanna make somethin' of it Tinman!?

Steiner: Fighting with a ruffian like you would be a disgrace to the honor of the Knights of Pluto!

Zell *jumping around and punching the air like he does*: Not like you got any honor to lose, so come on you walkin' pile of shrapnel!

Selphie: hehe…shrapnel…that's a funny word…shrapnel…hehe

Amarant *rolling his eyes*: I'm getting stupider just watching them…I'm gone.

*Amarant gets up and starts to walk away as Zell pounces on Steiner. Suddenly Amarant comes flying back into the room and crashes into the table they are all sitting around. Everyone stands and turns to the door. Zell turns his head, fist suspended in the air as Steiner looks from the ground, Zidane and Irvine just try to see what happened wide-eyed wishing their chairs faced the other way*

Deep Voice: This is ridiculous…

Deep Voice2: Sad, aren't they?

Deep Voice3: I'm embarrassed just coming from the same game…

*Kuja and Seifer walk in lead by Sephiroth*

Kuja: You guys are a joke…

Sephiroth: Forget who had it the toughest…

Seifer: You all suck…

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Will Zidane and Irvine EVER get untied? Could Zell really beat up Steiner? What do the FF bad guys plan to do, just trash the party or really cause some havoc!? Continue reviewing for the next chap!


	3. In a Pickle

Note: I still don't own anyone, that would be slavery.

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Narrator: And so once again here we are with our favorite and not so favorite characters, who are now in quiet a pickle (not a real pickle mind you…that would be sorta weird.)

Cloud: Sephiroth! What are you doing here!? I killed you!

Zidane *still in chair*: And Kuja! I killed you too!

Squall: Not to mention Seifer! I kill…oh wait…no I didn't…er…well…you should be with all the times I diced you!

Seifer: Hey! If it wasn't in the script that you beat me I woulda…*Sephiroth raises his hand and Seifer stops*

Sephiroth: It's no use talking about the past…leave the past behind you…

Yuffie: Doesn't Timon say that in the Lion King?

Sephiroth *eyeing Yuffie*: Do I look like one who would watch The Lion King? *silence* My point exactly—now whe--

Eiko *interrupting*: But Kuja might be…

Kuja: WHAT!? What's that suppose to mean!?

Zidane: Oh, come on Kuja…we all know with that outfit you look someone who's—

Kuja *interrupting*: WOAH! Watch it! Our game is rated Teen for over excessive amounts of violence and little kids like him *points to Vivi* shooting down planes with fireballs not to mention you pinching Garnet's butt, not mature themes!

Zidane: SAY WHA!?

Vivi: …Did I do something wrong?

Kuja *turning to Vivi*: Just face it, kiddo, no six-year-old should have anywhere near the amount of power you do. Although if a black mage's life span is only two years I don't see how you could be six…go figure…

Sephiroth *takes out sword and swipes it*: Shut up all of you! *silence*

Cloud *interrupts silence*: Hey, if all of you are suddenly alive then why isn't Aeris here too!?

*pause, everyone looks toward Author……Aeris walks in*

Aeris: Cloud!

Cloud: Aeris!

*Sephiroth gasps and turns to her and then stabs her again and she slides off it and falls to the ground in over-dramatic slow motion*

Sephiroth: BWAHAHAHA! I am SO evil!

Cloud: Damn you!!!! You're not getting away with this a second time! I'm going to kill you AGAIN

*Cloud leaps, Buster Sword raised and the scene freezes with him in the air screaming angrily down at Sephiroth who is looking up at him smirking, sword held by his side*

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How are the FF baddies back from the dead!? How old is Vivi, _really_!? And what the heck are all of the other people doing while Cloud is risking his life!?


	4. Rhyme and Reason

Note: I don't own any of the characters mentioned.

Narrator: And once again, here we are, Cloud waiting patiently frozen in the air to kill his clone again for killing his true love…again.

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Cloud: ARRRGGGAAAHHH!!!

*Cloud and Sephiroth start a sword fight as everyone else watches silently*

Yuffie: Maybe we should help him.

Zidane: And ruin this battle!? I have 5000 gil on Sephiroth.

Squall: 5000 on Sephiroth!? I dunno…Cloud's got a heck of a larger sword…plus rage. I'll take that bet.

*Zidane and Squall watch the two like it was the last minute of the last quarter of a tied Super Bowl game with one team on the 10 yard line*

Tifa: You two make me sick! These are people risking their lives to end the others! Granted I could care less about Sephiroth's, but what about Cloud! He's our friend.

*Cloud gets impaled by Sephiroth's Masamune and groans as he slides to the floor*

Zidane: Correction…was our friend. Told you…pay up SeeD-boy. *Squall groans and reaches into his pockets (Author: Does Squall have pockets?)*

Tifa: CLOUD!

*Cloud's body flashes away and Tifa crumbles to where he laid, Sephiroth standing proudly over her*

Sephiroth: HAHAHA! I always knew that if it was a one on one battle I would have won!

Squall: Eh…it's the only one he would'a won.

Zidane: No! He would'a won one more if given one more chance!

Irvine *from chair*: He could'a won if he had a gun!

*Cloud walks into the room*

Cloud: Sephiroth! That last one was for fun, but now you better run cuz, lives? I gotta another one, you don't gotta gun, and that one you won was just your time in the sun!

*silence*

Yuffie: Gotta give him credit for dramatic entrances.

Tifa: Cloud!

Seifer: How you back? *Cloud keeps facing Sephiroth but eyes Seifer*

Cloud: I killed him and he came back so why shouldn't I be able to?

Seifer *pause*: I guess it makes sense.

*silence*

Steiner *still being beat up by Zell*: Could…some…one…help me…here!?

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Who will win round 2 of Cloud and Sephiroth!? Does Zell ever get tired of beating things up!? Where the heck am I going with this!?


	5. Resurrecting Party

Note: Answer to FAQ 1004561: No, I don't own anyone.

Narrator: Once AGAIN (I need a new intro line), here we are with everyone either being beaten up, tied up, or scared stiff.

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Cloud: Time for the real final battle, Sephiroth!

Sephiroth: No…not now…I don't feel like it.

Cloud: What!? Who are you to give up a fight!?

Sephiroth: Give me a break! Literally! You might have been resurrected and refreshed but that last one I'm still recovering from! Have some respect for you enemies!

Cloud *?*: Uh…sorry?

*Everyone waits for Sephiroth to rest but soon there is a knock at the door. Garnet answers it and screams*

Steiner: Prin…cess…I'll…save…no, I'm really in no position to.

Rinoa: Who is it? 

*The wall suddenly shatters and everyone looks to see five incredibly large robots-that-aren't-robots staring at them. A red one with long arms and a long neck looks down at them*

RubyWeapon: Are we interrupting something?

Zell *stops punching Steiner and turns to monstrous creature*: Who the hell are you!?

RedXIII: They're the Weapons created by the planet to save it from destruction.

Freya: Quiet a backup security system.

Cid: You're telling me.

Quistis: Is there something you…want?

RubyWeapon: Not really…we just thought that we should drop by the party to see how it's going.

UltimaWeapon: A maybe trash it…EHAHAHAH!

RubyWeapon: Ultima, please, we are creatures of peace…

DiamondWeapon: PEACE…hehe.

RubyWeapon: Sorry, please excuse my friends. Oh! And we haven't been properly introduced to everyone here. As some of you know, I am Ruby Weapon, the large gray one is Diamond Weapon, the black dragon is Ultima Weapon, that green one in the back is Emerald Weapon, and next to him is Saffire Weapon.

Cloud: Saffire Weapon? I don't remember that one.

Yuffie: Oh! I do! You're the one who got your head blown off by…

SaffireWeapon: SHUT UP, OKAY!? Do you think massive monsters of the Planet are informed of where gigantic guns are set up!?

DiamondWeapon: HEAD BLOWN OFF…heheheh.

UltimaWeapon: EHAHAHAH! Wish I coulda seen that one, yeah! EHAHAHAHAH!

RubyWeapon: Calm down, Ultima…she didn't mean anything by it Saffire…

SaffireWeapon: *mumble* I coulda been the one to kill Rufus… *grumble*

Cloud: Anyway though…how are you all here? We killed all of you…

Sephiroth: How dense are you!? Two-Life-Rule remember!? You experienced it yourself!

Cloud: Oh, yeah.

EmeraldWeapon: Oi, help me, they're everywhere…

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Will Cloud and Sephiroth get they're rematch!? What do the Weapons plan to do? Would Saffire Weapon really have been a threat!?


	6. Choosing Sides

Note: You know what goes here.

Narrator: Now we join the FF characters as they meet up with some very large, old…um…'friends'.

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Cloud: So…what DO you want?

RubyWeapon: We really just stopped by to say hello! Really!

Emerald *eyes Ruby*: Oh, please, Ruby…they're not THAT dense…close to it…but not there yet. *turns to Cloud* If you don't run now, we're going to kill you all.

Everyone: *!!!!*

Quistis: We gotta get out of here!

Barrett: RUN!? What the hell!? We trashed 'em once, we can do it again!

Rinoa: Huh? Do you have no sense of possibility? They're huge!

Zidane: Well…hey, guys…no matter what happens you'll untie us right? Won't leave us here to get…GUYS!

*Sephiroth steps forward and everyone gets quiet, the Weapons look down at him intrigued*

Sephiroth: My friends! Please, let me join you in massacring these worthless teenagers!

Cid: Hey! Not all of us are fighting off hormones here!

Kuja *steps forward and bows*: My Lords…there is nothing more I want then to accomplish your every wish.

Seifer *thinking: those things are really big*: Um…yeah! Your every wish! 

RubyWeapon *eyes the three villains, points to Kuja then Seifer*: Those two can join us…as for him *points to Sephiroth* he's the whole reason we were summoned and then destroyed by those brats *points to Cloud and gang*. Therefore, he dies first.

Sephiroth *!?!?*: WHAT!? Any of you Planet butlers even TRY to touch me and you shall die a horrible and more horrible death! *raises Masamune*

Yuffie: THAT sounded harsh *rolls eyes*.

RubyWeapon *nods*: We shall see about that…let's go guys. *all Weapons step forward glaring at Sephiroth*

Cloud: Aww…this is gonna ROCK!

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Can Sephiroth really handle all the Weapons at once!? Will Kuja and Seifer abandon their leader? Will the other FF characters care to help!? Review and find out!!!


	7. Battle of the Millenia

Note: If anyone mentioned was mine, I would be rich and probably not writing this now.

Narrator: Alright! The final showdown! All the weapons vs. Sephiroth! Grab some popcorn and let the blood fly!

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Sephiroth: Ready to enter the Lifestream forever my friends? *evil grin as holds Masamune up horizontal to the ground*

Saffire Weapon *steps forward*: I'll go first! I must get revenge! It was him who awoke us in the first place and made me get my FREAKIN' HEAD BLOWN OFF!

Diamond Weapon: BYE BYE HEAD…heheheh.

Saffire Weapon: *glare*

Diamon Weapon: …

Sephiroth: *leaps…slice…Saffire's arm is severed, arm drops to the ground leaking a pile of green goo*

Saffire Weapon: ARRRGGHHH!!! THAT'S CHEATING! CHEATER! CHEATERS AMONG US!

Ultima Weapon: *picks up arm* EHAHAHA!!! Looky looky! I got ur army! ARMY! Shinra's army blew your head off last time! EHAHAHAHAH!

Saffire Weapon: *holds back glares to focus on Sephiroth* THAT'S IT! *pause* DANG IT! WHAT ATTACK'S DO I HAVE!?

*Everyone thinks*
Cloud: Well…you never actually got in a battle with us because…*ahem* yeah.
Yuffie: He did that mouth beam thing first though! The hole it made was what Tifa escaped through!
Saffire Weapon: YES! I mean, WHAT? I helped…!? It doesn't matter! er…Mouth…um…Beam! *opens mouth and blue laser shoots out toward Sephiroth*
Sephiroth: *leaps forward under beam and jumps up and severs head…leaps back and grins brandishing sword* You know I had to do it.
Saffire Weapon: *body collapses after head in a pile of more bubbling green goo*
Ruby Weapon: *eyes wide* Um…who's next?
Ultima Weapon: *leaps forward* I'll take 'em down! EHAHAHAH! *leaps again and lashes out at Sephiroth with claw*
Sephiroth: *jumps straight up and freezes in air* SHADOW FLARE!
*air glows into a black vortex and flashes…small white 7000 appears above Ultima's head*
Ultima Weapon: EEEYAAAHHHHERRRHURHUR!
*with a whimper Ultima flies away*
Sephiroth: grrrr….
Cloud: *points after him* HE'S DOING IT AGAIN! Don't you hate that!? He keeps freakin' running away!
Ruby Weapon: *growls* GAH! Diamond! You're up next!
Diamond Weapon: *steps forward* SQUISHY WHITE HEAD MAN…hehehehe.
Sephiroth: *points sword at Diamond* DEEN!
*Orangish rings fly at Diamond…1500 appears above Diamond's head*
Diamond Weapon: WHIMPY…heheheh. *opens mouth and blue energy forms in a sphere inside his jaw…5 appears in the air*
Sephiroth: *cocks eyebrows*
Cid: That can't be good.
Sephiroth: *gives angry looks and leaps up at Diamond slashing out with sword*
*4264…3928…6142……4……5479…7134……3……6745…8167…….2……7951…….1……9268….8746……0……*
Diamond Weapon: *who was just standing there taking the blows the whole time…extends his neck and opens his mouth* DIAMOND FLASH!
Sephiroth: *is blown back and skids on ground…3000 appears above his head*
*Everyone's eyes go wide*
Vincent: 3000? Is that right?
Freya: By the amount of time it took…and the amount that Sephiroth was doing much quicker…
Amarant: That can't be right.
Sephiroth: *stands up and brushes himself off…grins evilly at Diamond* Nice try…but not good enough. SHADOW FLARE!
*Black light engulfs Diamond…7000 appears above his head…with a groan he falls over backward. A huge cloud of dust rises and clear to show Sephiroth standing ready with his sword brandished again*
Kuja: Dang. That's three…of five.
Emerald: Yeah, yeah…but don't fret Kujay…Ruby and I are more than enough, we can handle anything…after all, we're American's right? (Author: I don't mean this as an insult to anyone!…just a harmless joke…the two are supposed only in the American version) 
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    Can Sephiroth take out Ruby and Emerald!? Why isn't anyone helping him!? Well…I guess that was sorta a stupid question…but anyway! Can he prove that he can beat all the Weapons alone!?


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